Six months. That feels a little crazy to write.
Twenty-six weeks ago, I started posting pieces of my journals on this little corner of the internet called Spiritually Tuned.
At first, it was mostly writing. Somewhere along the way, I started sitting in front of a camera too, sharing some of these thoughts out loud. And now, six months later, I’ve been thinking about what this space has actually become.
I thought I was going to share what God had taught me. I didn’t realize how often God would use the sharing to keep teaching me. And if I had to name one realization that has probably been the hardest to admit, it would be this:
There was a season when I thought I was at my best… and I was actually at my worst.
That’s painful to write. Because externally? I looked pretty good.
I was serving. Leading. Singing. Growing. Being trusted with things. I had experience. I had talent. I had opinions, and believe me, I was pretty confident that some of them were correct.
But I was also deeply dependent on approval. And I didn’t realize how much that need was affecting me.
I needed to feel valued. I needed to feel seen. I needed reassurance that I was good enough. And when I didn’t receive it in the way I expected, something in me reacted.
Sometimes it looked like frustration. Sometimes comparison. Sometimes defensiveness. Sometimes attitude. Sometimes it was questioning why someone else got the opportunity I thought I deserved.
And sometimes it probably made me what church leaders jokingly call an EGR person:
Extra Grace Required. Yep. Me.
The funny thing is, I probably wouldn’t have described myself that way back then.
I thought I was passionate. I thought I cared deeply. I thought I had high standards. I thought I was fighting for excellence. And some of that was probably true.
But buried underneath some of it was a woman desperately trying to prove that she belonged.
That’s the tricky thing about platform ministry. You can be genuinely called and still crave applause. You can sincerely love God and still need people to validate you. You can be gifted enough that people keep giving you opportunities while there are things happening inside of you that desperately need healing.
And sometimes your gift can keep you visible long enough to convince you that you’re healthy.
That was dangerous for me.
Because I knew I was talented. I knew I could lead. I knew what I could bring to a room. But I didn’t always recognize what I was bringing into the room with me.
My insecurity. My wounds. My need for approval. My pride. My fear of rejection. My past.
And eventually God loved me enough to make me look at all of it.
Not so He could shame me. So He could heal me. That’s really where Spiritually Tuned came from. Not from someone who figured out how to live perfectly tuned.
Quite the opposite.
It came from realizing how out of tune I had been.
It came from old journals where I can now read my own words and see God working on things I didn’t even fully understand yet. It came from realizing that talent wasn’t enough.
That ministry wasn’t enough. That a platform definitely wasn’t enough.
And that becoming more like Jesus mattered more than becoming more visible.
That’s also why I feel like I need to talk about this publicly. Because part of my brokenness happened publicly. Part of my growth happened in ministry spaces.
And there are probably people who knew versions of me that weren’t very easy to love.
I can’t rewrite those chapters. But I can be honest about what God has done with them.
And maybe someone else who is serving, leading, singing, preaching, creating, or standing on a platform needs permission to ask:
Am I actually healthy right now… or am I just successful at what I do?
Those aren’t always the same thing.
So at six months, I don’t really want to celebrate Spiritually Tuned by talking about numbers, views, followers, or how many posts I’ve written.
I just want to say thank you.
To those of you who have read these ridiculously long journal thoughts. Thank you.
To those who have watched the videos. Thank you.
To the people who have messaged me and said, “I needed this,” or shared how something God was teaching me somehow met you in your own story…
You have no idea how much that means to me. You’ve reminded me why vulnerability is worth the risk.
And yes… even to the people who haven’t agreed with me. The critics. The people who questioned something I said. Even the occasional hater.
Thank you too.
Because sometimes encouragement reminds me to keep going. And sometimes criticism makes me go back to God and ask,
“Is there something here I need to hear?”
Both can tune you if you let God use them.
Six months later, I still don’t have this figured out. I’m still being corrected. Still healing. Still learning. Still catching pride when it sneaks into places I thought I had already cleaned out. Still learning how to serve without needing to be seen. Still learning how to receive correction without hearing rejection. Still learning that God’s approval is enough.
And maybe that’s the best six-month update I could give you.
Spiritually Tuned was never supposed to document how much I know. It’s documenting what happens when I keep letting God tune me.
Sometimes that sounds beautiful. Sometimes He hits a note in me, and I think, “Oof. We’re still working on that one?”
But I’m here. Still listening. Still surrendering. Still tuning.
And if you’ve been walking with me for any part of these first six months… Thank you.
Seriously.
Let’s keep tuning in.
